Monday, September 30, 2013

Such a Gem

Most of you who know me personally are aware that I have some pretty specific instructions regarding what should, and should not happen in the event of my untimely death (or timely, for that matter). It may seem somewhat odd, but there are certain things people do at the passing of a loved one that drive me absolutely bat-shit...
Those markers people put on the side of the road, for one thing…Jeff and I have always agreed that should one of us perish in a fiery car crash, the other would refrain from putting up a little wooden cross and plastic flowers to mark the spot. The same goes for those decal thingies I’ve been seeing in the back of car windows for the past couple of years ("RIP Smoochy 1968-2001"). (If these methods of remembering a loved one happen to be your method of dealing with your grief...I'm sorry if I've offended you).  I'm just a real conservative, old-fashioned griever...a nice marker in a nice normal cemetery is all I need.  I don't want a t-shirt made with my face plastered across it...I don't want anyone tatoo-ing my semblance on their pecs (not that anyone I know WOULD, but still...)

I thought it went without saying that should I die before him, Jeff would not try to turn me into Bling. I thought wrong. The other day,  he sends me the following link: And said, "I know it’s a little weird, but kinda cool, don’t you think?"  

In a word, No.

"You mean you don't think it would be sort of neat...???"
"No, Jeff.  No, No, No!!"

What is a "LifeGem?" you ask? To quote the company, a LifeGem "is a certified, high-quality diamond created from a lock of hair, or the cremated ashes of your loved one as a memorial to their unique life." They further add: "LifeGem diamonds are created individually from your specific carbon source (specific carbon source? WTF?) in our patented process
. Your LifeGem memorial will offer comfort and support when and where you need it, and provide a lasting memory that endures just as a diamond does. Forever." The bold type "Forever." is their emphasis, not mine & kind of cracks me up a little, because you know if this were an audio spot, they’d let the "Forever." kind of echo a few times and then fade away. 

Anyway, they go on to say that your LifeGem is "just like a real diamond." When I told my friend Kim about LifeGem and sent her a link she replied, "Yeah. You know what else is just like a real diamond? A real diamond." 

In other words: spare me this bullcrap and just bequeath me a real, honest-to-God diamond. Which you could easily do...because do you know how much it costs to turn a cup of cremated remains into a one "carat" LifeGem? Uh, $15 Grand. And why did I say "cup" of cremated remains? Because in their "shipping instructions" they specifically state that you should not send more than 8 ounces of your loved one to them. They provide a little screw cap container (which looks suspiciously like the packaging of my Nivea hand cream) in their "shipping kit" just to make sure you don’t overdo it. Here’s a picture of said "shipping kit."

They’re a little stingy with the bubble wrap, don’t you think, considering that you’re packing HUMAN REMAINS for Interstate transport? I love that they have a "Tamper Resistant" label too. Yes, that will stop the customs people.  Is it just me or doesn't this seem a little bit casual for the transportation of a loved one's mortal coil?
Anyway, I guess I’ve ranted on this long enough. If anyone needs a refresher on my first set of basic funeral arrangement requirements, you can find them here. To sum up:
1. "No" to roadside markers.
2. "No" to "In memorandum" decals in the back of anyone’s low-rider.
3. "No" to "Beulah Land." (This is explained in the previous set of instructions)
4. "No" to turning me into snazzy accessories.

1 comment:

  1. Still proud to be the owner of the quoted comment on this one. And, I solemnly promise to break Jeff's arms if I see him trying to snip some hair off of your head to turn you into a blingy pendant.