I stayed home from work today to go to the doctor. I had what I thought was strep throat. I started having a sore throat Tuesday…by Wednesday evening; I had gross, oozy looking ulcer things on the back of my throat and my uvula. Very un-cool. I went to the local doc-in-a-box, had a blood draw and strep swab. The doctor declared strep-negative & said it was a viral infection. He gave me a steroid shot, an antibiotic (afraid that the oozy pustules might get a bacterial infection) and prescription for “Magic Mouthwash.” True story.
My lovely daughter, home for fall break, offered to drop the prescription off for me. I was a little jazzed about getting something that was forreal called “Magic Mouthwash” to be honest with you. I was thinking it was probably made from rainbows and fairy dust or something. Last month, I went to a managers’ meeting in Kentucky and this pub we went to had a drink called a “Pixie Stick.” It was purple and awesome and could kick your butt in record time (haven’t had Everclear in 25 years, probably, but funny how you can still pick up the taste of it in anything.) I was hoping that “Magic Mouthwash” was going to be something like that…powerful, yet whimsical (and might stain my tongue an unholy color).
The first pharmacy the child went to said that they didn’t have all of the “ingredients” for my concoction, but directed her to a nearby store that did. She dropped off the Rx and was told to come back in about an hour and a half to pick it up. She got way-laid at her orthodontist appointment, so I headed over to pick up my “Magic Mouthwash” myself.
“Magic Mouthwash” does not taste magical. At all. It tastes like a combination of Cepastat, Maalox, and monkey spit (I assume.) And that’s because IT IS. Wikipedia states that “The most popular formulation of magic mouthwash contains viscous lidocaine as a topical anestetic, diphenhydramine as an anti-inflammatory and Maalox (no lie) to help coat the tissues in the mouth.” I’m guessing that “diphenhydramine” is the Latin word for “monkey spit.” It does numb the mouth though…AFTER you get a full 5 seconds of wanting to rip your own tongue out and then rinse your mouth with bleach. The numbing lasts for quite awhile too. I’m afraid that nothing is going to taste right for the next week, though. Can someone please bring me some Everclear?