Monday, October 6, 2014

Winds of Fortune

I'm interrupting my series of posts on my wonderful trip to Europe to address a mounting issue I have with the universe.  Or maybe it's the universe that has an issue with me.

Freaking fortune cookies.

I get the WORST fortunes you have ever seen out of a fortune cookie.
Here's a real, live fortune that I got once:

I felt like the kid in A Christmas Story when I got this know, where he's got the magic decoder ring and then when he laboriously decodes the message off of the radio program it reads, "Be sure to drink your Ovaltine"?

Also?  This is not even a fortune!  It's like, advice from a cardiologist.  Or not even that.  It's like advice from your Home Health teacher in 7th grade.

This one at least makes a stab at being a fortune.  But you have to admit, it's still pretty damn lame.

And this one:

For one thing, most shades of green make me look like I've got jaundice.  For another...honestly, is that the best you can do, fortune cookie.
You know that game that people will play with fortune cookies...where you're supposed to read your fortune and then add "...between the sheets?"  My fortune cookies are so lame that I can't even seem a little ribald when I take my turn.

But the fortune that FINALLY put me over the edge.  The cookie that made me realize that either:

A) I am hopelessly beyond good fortune (sing with me, "If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all! Oh! Gloom, despair, and agony on me.")
B) The universe hates me. or
C) Confucius was an asshole

was this one I got just the other day:

What? The? Actual? Hell?  I live in Alabama.  We don't even grow parsnips down here.  I don't know that I've ever even seen one in the grocery store.  I'm pretty sure I've never tasted one.
What does this even mean??  I haven't got a clue.  It's sure not a FORTUNE.  It's not telling me anything that will or won't happen.  It's not even giving me sound advice like, "Floss you teeth for good oral hygiene."

Is this happening to everyone?  Have all fortunes gone to crap?  Did we lose a war or something?


  1. Butters no parsnips?? WTF?

    I don't think i've ever had then either..or if I did, I blocked the experience because they were horrible.

  2. Fine words butter no parsnips. AMAZING. I think that may be the best fortune cookie note I've ever read. There's deep meaning in there somewhere :)

  3. Words at random!

    "Orange snowmen sing no paintings."

    "Glad tables flip no fish."

    "Final candles grow no sleeping bags. "