Thursday, August 13, 2015

Septuagenarian Sex Scandal: Southern Style


During this political season, I'd like to remind everyone that NO ONE does a political sex scandal like we do them in the south.

Last week, we had a prime example.

I. AM. NOT. MAKING. ANY. OF. THIS. UP.

Meet Benny:

Is it just me, or does Benny look like Alfred after a long night out partying with Master Bruce?
Benny is 71.  He was co-host of a local public access political program called "In the Interest of the People."

This is Larry and Charlotte:








Larry is Benny's best friend.  Additionally, he is the mayor.  He is 74 years old.  To Larry's left is Charlotte...she's Benny's wife.  She would co-host in Benny's place sometimes when Benny was too busy for "In the Interest of the People."  She is also a local business owner.

Apparently, Benny was a little worried about his dear wife working all of the late hours that she was working at the little ole shop she owned...a liquor store.  Also, I'm sure he was also concerned that something would happen to his good friend Mayor Larry, who often did the books for Charlotte.  So he installed a camera.

I guess in the little town of Talladega, AL, "doing the books" is code for what Shakespeare called, "Making the beast with two backs." (Shakespeare really said that...look it up.)  Someone who has seen the video told the local newspaper that the activities recorded were "full blown"  (hahah, full blown...snort) and "gives me hope for when I'm 70."

In a surprise to no one, Benny and Charlotte filed for divorce.  Benny also decided to quit co-hosting "In the Interest of the People."

Evidently, withdrawing his talent and wit from "In the Interest of the People" was not enough vengeance for Beny.  So last Saturday, Benny road a bicycle over 13 miles in August in Alabama where it is approximately 112 degrees in the shade to lie in wait for Larry outside of the place where Larry cuts hair as a part-time job when he isn't busy mayoring. (Still not making it up).  When Larry arrived to begin his day of hair cutting and styling, Benny jumped him and commenced to whaling on Larry with an object that resembled a sawed-off baseball bat.  (That's what the paper said.  I'm going to assume it WAS, in fact, a sawed-off baseball bat because I can't imagine what else resembles one.)

Benny had disguised himself by wearing some sort of garment with a hood (did I mention the part where it is hotter than the hinges of Hell here in Alabama?)  But in the middle of getting whomped-up-on, Larry pulled the hood off and realized that his assailant was his cuckolded former friend, Benny.  To quote the good mayor, "I was able to stand up and kneed him in the balls.  Then I kicked him there twice."  At this point, Benny got himself up off the ground and tried to make a get-away on his (God help us all) bicycle, but was detained by bystanders.  (Please remember with all of the bats and balls and bikes, that these guys are not 12, they are in their 70s)
Sometime during this whole fracas, someone called the popo, who showed up in time to cart Benny away where he was arrested and placed under a $150,000 bond.

Mayor Larry was taken to a nearby hospital where he gave his account of events to the police and then later the media...his wife, Mary, was loyally by his side.

Mary, honey, here's some advice.  There's not a judge in the world who won't award you EVERYTHING at this point.

I have no idea what Benny is looking like following all of this, but here's a picture of Mayor Larry (wearing his best Fruit of the Loom T-shirt):




New Panda, China No. 1 Buffet, and Panda Express are all vying for Mayor Larry to become their new spokesman. (Wait for it....)(Hat tip to my friend, Bobby.)

Update: Bobby sent me this...I had to share:






14 comments:

  1. You know how I feel about staying home for such, Marianne. :-)

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    Replies
    1. And thus you almost never are assaulted by any bat-wielding, bicycle riding jealous husbands.

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    2. Marianne, I'm sitting here in Birmingham, Alabama as a former resident of Talladega thinking that this incident begs to be made into a reality show and presto....you write the script. Great stuff Marianne! The mayor was quoted as saying "If I hadn't kicked him in the balls twice, Id' be dead". There's the perfect country and western song lurking in that quote. A friend and I are working on it as I speak! Again, kudos to you!

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    3. Thank you Hans! Maybe I should pitch it to E!

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  2. Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice!

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  3. To quote Stewie Griffin, "this is so good it HAS to be fattening"

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    Replies
    1. The truth being better than any fiction I could come up with.

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  4. Okay, this is the funniest thing I've read in a long time! The first time I met Larry Barton was when his wife's Southern Gospel group, The Pioneers, sang at our church when I was a little girl. He has been involved in one scandal after another for decades! I literally have tears rolling down my face from your narrative of the events!! Hysterical!!!

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    1. Thank you Cheryl! I've never met him...I was fascinated about the behavior of these men in their 70s. Benny rode a bicycle from Irondale to Vestavia Hills! And it's called Vestavia HILLS for a reason.

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  5. Lest we forget Larry Barton was sent to prison for embezzlement of city funds, and yet our great citizens decided to give him another chance as mayor!

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    Replies
    1. And he's up for reelection...

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  6. There aren't enough words to express how much this story fascinates me and reassures me that the south I love still exists.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! You might enjoy these two posts as well:

      http://psb1969.blogspot.com/2013/02/southern-stuff-part-one.html

      http://psb1969.blogspot.com/2013/04/southern-stuff-part-2.html

      as they are southern-themed.

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